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Source http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/tinybuddha/~3/hexv3Yqpy04/

“The root of suffering is attachment.” ~The Buddha

Getting dumped a few weeks before my wedding was the most painful experience of my life to date, but how I came through it is the single proudest moment of my life.

When I met with his mother four years after the breakup, she said she’d felt so guilty over these past few years. “I loved you like a daughter, and he’s my son—I never want any of my children to feel that pain.”

I told her I was glad it happened, not for the fact that the breakup needed to happen (was inevitable even), but to have experienced the pain and loss, to confront my then-unconscious fear of failure straight on, and to not only survive, but thrive as a result.

I told her I look forward to failing now. More accurately, I appreciate the lessons learned and the growth I’ll only be able to experience by getting back up, dusting myself off, humbly reflecting on where I went wrong, and pushing forward with a more finely tuned compass.

But that perspective didn’t come easily. It took crawling Andy Dufresne-style through 500 metaphorical yards of sh*t-filled sewage pipes first.

We were together for eight years through our twenties and into our early thirties. Four years in, we got engaged.

One month before the wedding I went from bliss to being sucker punched in the lower intestines (emotionally speaking).

It was a Tuesday. This was two days after coming home from one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I’d just finished yoga teacher training at an eight-day intensive on Long Island, Maine.

It was a perfect week. I came home still buzzing with blissful vibes and gratitude. When he said we needed to talk, my stomach dropped so hard and so fast I thought it would fall out of me.

He said he didn’t want to get married anymore.

The contrast and transition from high to low was dizzying. In one week I felt both the best and worst I’d ever felt in my life.

The following months were comprised of uncontrollable crying, deep sorrow, and some of the greatest lessons I’ve ever learned.

Reading the stories of others who have loved and lost were so helpful to me when I was in pain, as were the bite-sized inspirational quotes from great and kind minds that I could carry with me through the day, so I’ve included those that helped me the most. It made me feel connected and not alone; it gave me hope knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel.

That’s why I’m writing this. To share what I learned through this whole ordeal, how it set me off on a path of self-discovery and development, and how I’m a smarter, stronger, and more compassionate person because of it. The same is possible for you.

I learned to feel my feelings.

“The best way out is always through.” ~Robert Frost

Sounds simple enough, but it’s not something we consciously do on purpose with negative emotions.

We still lived together for three months after the wedding was broken off. It was especially hard coming home from work knowing he’d be there.

Toward the end I’d gotten pretty good at avoiding, numbing, and running from experiencing the full intensity of the pain. The day he moved out, I decided it was time to feel it, all of it.

I closed my eyes and let go of every resistance to the pain. I let the full force of it wash over me and through me. I accepted the pain without judgement, like I was both experiencing the pain and watching myself experience the pain.

I did this through dancing in my kitchen. It seemed to help move the emotions through me. And it left me in a literal and figurative puddle of tears on the cold tile floor. It was incredibly cathartic.

We avoid the full intensity of afflictive emotions because it seems like the crushing wave of feeling will not only knock us over but drag us down and drown us in sorrow and anguish. It feels like the pain might kill us or drive us insane, so we hide from it at all costs.

It makes sense—we’re built to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Of course we want to run away from it.

But when it comes down to it, emotions are energy and energy needs to flow. If it’s blocked, it gets stuck; it doesn’t leave.

Emotions are sensational representations of our thoughts. Breathe. Witness. Let the emotions flow and instead of judging them as bad or hating the process. View it through a lens of curiosity.

You really can’t rush the process of healing. It takes time. But avoiding the feelings or numbing them with wine, pot, pills, TV, food, sex (or all of the above like I did for months) only drags the grieving process out longer.

Not to say those aversion techniques should be completely avoided through the whole process—you do you. Just be aware that you’ll eventually need to face the emotions head on.

I fully believe that had I not had the courage that day to feel the pain with all its intensity my healing would have taken much longer.

Resisting the emotions is like trying to pull your fingers out of a Chinese finger trap. You only get stuck more. You need to lean into it to set yourself free.

And now when I’m faced with challenges that stir up difficult emotions, I’m much braver and allow myself to feel it and experience it, then I’m in a much better place to question and reframe my beliefs around the situation.

I learned how to reframe a difficult situation.

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” ~Winnie the Pooh

Reframing is a powerful tool. When we’re in the thick of an emotion we identify with it so strongly that it’s hard to step back and take an objective look from all sides.

One day at work, probably a month after the canceled nuptials, I was rather unsuccessfully fighting back tears in the bathroom when a woman I work with came in and asked me what was up. I told her the situation and she put things into perspective for me.

She’d met the man of her dreams in her forties and got married later than most. He was a talented doctor. Shortly after getting married he started showing signs of Alzheimer’s. A few years later she had to place him in a full-time facility near home.

In the bathroom she said to me, “At least you don’t have to watch him suffer.” She was right, and that was exactly what I needed to hear. My situation could have been so much worse. How lucky am I?

Now when dealing with a situation that makes me feel angry, sad, irritated, guilty or ashamed, I step back and try to reframe the situation. I’ll ask myself questions like:

• Is it true?
• What is the story I’m telling myself here? What do I think this means about me?
• If the universe gave me this situation on purpose, what lesson am I supposed to be learning?
• What’s the worst that could happen?
• If the worst does happen, how can I cope?
• Can I know for sure that this “shouldn’t” have happened?

I learned to know my values and to live in tune with them.

“Open your arms to change but don’t let go of your values.” ~Dalai Lama

He’d said we shouldn’t get married because he didn’t want to have children, and I did. So I said, “Maybe I don’t want to have kids. I don’t have to have kids.” I didn’t truly believe this; I was grasping at straws, trying to keep hope alive.

We lived together still, and since he hadn’t technically broken up with me yet (he only said he didn’t want to get married) we agreed to try to work it out.

Then I snooped. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I took his phone when he was out of the room and looked through his personal, private messages on a hunch. The punishment for this breach of privacy was yet another figurative sucker punch to the gut.

I saw the text exchanges with another woman on his phone. And the pictures.

It was dishonest to invade his privacy, and karma was quick to level the playing field. I learned my lesson immediately because what I saw hurt—a lot. Needless to say, I’m off of snooping for good.

When I said I didn’t have to have children, it wasn’t true and deep down I knew that. And I felt so dirty and wrong for looking at his phone when I knew outright it was an invasion of privacy, regardless of the fact that I found questionable material.

These are what we call values conflicts. Through making these mistakes I learned to identify what my values are, and to recognize when there is a conflict either caused by my own thoughts and actions, or by others.

Knowing your values is like having a brighter flashlight to get you through the woods at night. Sure, you might make it out without a light, but you’ll likely trip or wander off path. Knowing your core values in life is a guiding light to making tough decisions with confidence and clarity.

And I value honesty, kindness, integrity and authenticity. Four things I did not live up to in those moments.

I learned the power and freedom of forgiveness.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~Buddha (paraphrased)

On paper I had reasons to be angry. To this day I could hold a grudge still, and many would say it was justifiable.

To be frank, that sounds exhausting to me. I certainly was angry for months. It’s only natural; it was part of my grieving process.

But I came to realize that the anger felt terrible inside me. My ego was holding onto the idea that I am right and he is wrong. I asked myself “So what?” “Where is the benefit of holding onto this?” I had no answer.

This was a person who was very important to me for a long time. I wished him well then, why should I stop now that we aren’t together?

Everyone makes mistakes. I had to make my own mistakes (so, so many of them) to finally understand what my mother had always said: “Everyone is doing the best they can with what they have.”

And I believe that to be true. When I looked at his phone, though it was wrong, I was still doing the best I could with what I had. I had pain and a strong desire to find the “real” reason for it. I had opportunity when he was out of the room. I had strong curiosity. I had a lack of restraint.

I needed to forgive myself. I made mistakes, admitted them, and learned from them. At that point they’d run their course and it was time to forgive.

Plus, since I know kindness is a core value of mine, I need to live according to my values. Holding onto anger is not being kind to myself.

And I can full heartedly say I forgive every wrongdoing by him. He’s human and makes mistakes just like me.

I learned how to rethink “failure.”

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

In retrospect, I realized I wanted the breakup. I’d sometimes imagine him leaving me or—on my more dramatic and theatrical days—that he died and I had to start again.

I came to learn that I was afraid of ending the relationship because it would have meant that I failed. I’d accepted an engagement proposal. I’d spent eight years living with this person making a life together. I’d planned a wedding. I’d made deposits.

To then say it was a mistake, that I’d changed my mind, would mean that I failed. I didn’t realize at the time, but I had a huge fear of disappointing my parents and was afraid to call them and let them know about this transgression.

I never stopped to define failure and what it means to me. At the time I would have said it meant to make a mistake, to not reach your goal, to fall short, to not be good enough.

With further introspection, I’ve since redefined what failure means to me. Because I learned so much from this failure of a relationship, I now have a new perspective.

Failure to me now means giving up on something I want because it seems hard or uncomfortable. It means not trying because of fear.

I go back to my reframing tool and ask the following:

• What’s the worst that could happen?
• How likely is that outcome?
• If the worst happens, how will I cope?
• What’s the best that could happen?
• How likely is that to happen?
• What probably will happen?

We fear the unknown, the ambiguous. Define what you’re afraid of. It’s much less scary on paper. And now you have the opportunity to plan, problem-solve, and prepare.

I’ve never been more accepting of my emotions and tolerant of pain since this experience. This journey and everything I’ve learned has led me to be my happiest me.

Not to say I’ve reached the end of my journey. The best part is there is always room for more growth, learning, compassion, love, and happiness. And I feel blessed that I have the opportunity to pursue it every day.

Once I got a taste of self-improvement, I was hooked. I started to see that happiness—true happiness—and freedom from the control of emotions, of feeling not good enough, from constant worry, were all attainable.

This experience was a blessing. A painful, messy, crash course in learning to navigate life’s difficulties with grace and resilience.

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post How Getting Dumped Before My Wedding Made Me a Better Person appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

Source http://zenhabits.net/plant-cookbook/

By Leo Babauta

A couple months ago, one of my favorite cookbook authors/bloggers (Jules Clancy of Stone Soup) came to me and asked in her Australian accent, “G’day Leo, how would you like to collaborate on a free vegan cookbook? I promise it won’t have Fosters or vegemoit in it, mate!”

OK, she didn’t say exactly that, but that’s how I imagine it would have gone if she’d said it in person and not over email.

Either way, I said yes. Or more like, “Hell yes!”

Jules went through all the trouble of collecting my best vegan recipes and articles, and then added a bunch of even better vegan recipes she’d created. Along with some great articles on eating a plant-based diet. Then designed it into a kick-ass cookbook.

I’m thrilled to announce that the Eat More Plants! cookbook is now available for download.

In ‘Eat More Plants!’ you’ll discover:

• 20 easy vegan recipes in 20-minutes or less
• A gradual approach to healthy eating
• The simple guide to plant-based ingredient substitutes
• Why liking healthy foods is a choice
• A guide to eating a plant-based diet
• 6 ways to make vegetables taste as good as potato chips
• Plus more…

Click here to download your free copy

(I recommend you ‘right click’ and ‘save link as’ to download it to your computer.)

You don’t have to go fully vegan to enjoy these recipes or learn from the articles in the cookbook. It’ll be a healthy move for most people, eating more veggies and whole foods … but it’s also just something beautiful to explore. There are few things as delicious, nutritious and life-giving as plants.

I hope you enjoy this Eat More Plants! cookbook. And if you do, when you are eating one of these delicious recipes, give some love to Jules, who gets 99% of the credit for this labor of love. Thank you Jules.

with love,

Leo

ps. The book is completely uncopyrighted, of course

Source https://www.niashanks.com/why-that-diet-didnt-work/

Would you prefer to listen to this article? Use the player below or download it on iTunes.

During your workout you saw a fellow gym-goer for the first time in several weeks. You hear her telling another member about her recent weight loss. “I swear, the ketogenic diet is the best thing ever. I dropped 10 pounds in four weeks,” she raved.

The next day in the break room, one of your co-workers is incessantly chatting about the meal plan she’s been following for a few weeks, because she’s already lost five pounds.

Intrigued and curious, you try these diets too. But, when you try them, they just don’t seem to produce the same holy crap I’ve found “the one” experiences as the women who sing their praises.

WTF, right? Why didn’t that diet work for you when other women seemed to achieve fast results?

Before we answer that question, here’s an important fact: there is no “perfect” or “magical” diet. Never has been, and never will be. Any diet can produce weight loss as long as you’re in a caloric deficit. Yes, this applies to Paleo, ketogenic, low-fat, vegan, and other diet you can think of. Some people may “go Paleo” and rave about how much fat they’ve lost, but it’s not the “Paleo” part that produced the weight loss. It’s because they were in a caloric deficit, which is most likely due to the fact that the Paleo diet eliminates grains and dairy, so that cuts out a lot of palatable foods that are easy to overeat (e.g., desserts like ice cream, cakes and cookies).

To use one more common example, it’s why some people lose weight quickly when they do a “sugar detox.” Not because they stopped eating sugar, but because they stopped eating calorie-dense, hyper-palatable foods that were also high in fat: desserts, snack cakes, doughnuts, and other heavily processed foods. By not eating those foods, they decreased the number of calories they consumed. The caloric deficit led to weight loss.

Image created by Fast Forward Amy.

It’s not magic. It’s math.

This also explains why someone can “go Paleo” (or any other diet) and not lose weight, because they were not in a caloric deficit. While they eliminated certain foods and food groups, they ate more of other things. (It’s easy to eat more than you realize with high-fat foods like nut butters and coconut oil, and it’s one reason why people who eat healthy can’t seem to lose weight.)

The “I tried this diet and lost weight so that’s indisputable proof that it’s the ultimate style of eating” rhetoric is what causes people to define themselves by a way of eating, and to develop a religion-like relationship with food. No longer is the way they eat something that simplifies and enhances their life — it consumes their personality. They’ve seen the “supreme style of eating” light and are anxious to share the good news with everyone who crosses their path about healthy carbs and acceptable fats and sinful processed evils that will lead to their ultimate demise.

You too can be saved if you bow to the one true nutrition god and forsake all others. Resist, and ye shall burn in a fiery, gluten filled hell and choke on the smoke from smoldering carby-goodness. In the name of clean eating, amen.

This is Why That Diet Didn’t Work

The four Ps explain why that diet didn’t work. One diet or style of eating will not work for everyone because we all have a different past, and we have different personalities, perceptions, and preferences.

We all have different pasts. What you’ve experienced influences you. It’s why someone who grew up in a home where things were constantly changing (divorce, having to move frequently) may be an adult with control issues. Because she didn’t have any control over much of what happened in her childhood, she wants to control everything now.

Similarly, your past experiences with food will affect how you view food now. Using myself as an example, my years of battling obsessive and binge eating habits is why I can’t follow meal plans or count calories without dire consequences. If I had to track and eat 1800 calories a day, within one week I’d likely dive head first back into binge eating and other restrictive eating habits. My past experiences with rigid diets make counting calories an option that is not viable for me.

Someone who has never obsessed over food and doesn’t know what it’s like to have food dominate their lives may have a very different experience. In fact, tracking calories may help them reach their goals without any negative consequences. Whereas it would stress me out and lead to binge eating, it could simplify the process and help them easily stay on track. Past experiences matter when it comes to present actions.

We all have different personalities. Some people can effortlessly make healthy food choices, even when they’re ravenous and short on time. Someone else may opt for whatever sounds best and is most convenient, which is usually something heavily processed and calorie-dense. Someone can live in a home filled with cookies, ice cream, and other tasty goodies without constantly being tempted to eat them. Someone else may be more likely to eat all those things because they’re around.

Someone may prefer to organize and prepare meals for the entire week to make it easy to stay on track. Someone else may loathe the idea of eating out of tupperware containers.

When it comes to why we eat what we eat, our personalities play a crucial role. You need to understand your personality, and then work with it, not against it.

We all have different perceptions. Some people respond emotionally to less than ideal food choices. Whereas one woman may be plagued with guilt from eating a sleeve of cookies and will vow to punish herself with an extra workout, another woman may simply be able to shrug it off and move forward with healthy food choices.

One woman may see the number on the bathroom scale as objective data, but for another woman it may have the ability to make or break her entire day, and self-esteem.

Two people can perceive the same event entirely differently.

We all have different preferences. What if you like carbs? Nay. You don’t merely like them — they’re some of the very foods that make life worth living. Like a freshly baked loaf of Challah bread, or homemade mashed potatoes. If you’re like me and love carb-rich foods, then attempting a ketogenic diet for weight loss would be an excruciating endeavor.

Maybe you like beets and enjoy adding them to a salad; maybe I’d rather gnaw on the sole of my tennis shoe then pop one of those dirt-tasting red balls of misery in my mouth.

The point is, not everyone likes the same foods; not everyone feels best eating the same foods or combination of macronutrients (some people prefer to eat a higher-carb diet, others a lower-carb). Not everyone likes to eat three meals per day — some prefer two big meals, some prefer five small meals.

And this is why that diet didn’t work for you.

It likely didn’t meld with your personality or perception, or it agitated an old wound from past experiences. Or, perhaps, it simply didn’t suit your preferences.

Or, and this is a distinct possibility — it was a crazy ass diet with rigid rules that was impractical and unsustainable and reeked of bullshit claims about its superiority to all other styles of eating, or it was based on sensationalized or fear-based marketing.

How to Create a Diet That Works for You

I use the word “diet” because it’s a term people are familiar with, but it simply means a style of eating.

Rather than a traditional diet or meal plan or some other restrictive eating regimen, embrace flexible guidelines. Specifically, guidelines that can be tailored to your past, personality, perception, and most definitely, your preferences.

Regardless of what slant your eating habits have — the number of meals you prefer to eat each day, foods you love and dislike — here’s what science has proven to work for losing weight (or maintaining a healthy weight) and building muscle.

Eat a variety of mostly real, minimally processed foods. This is a good way to get plenty of satisfying, nutrient-dense foods that can not only help you build a better looking body, but a healthier body, too. And let’s face it — that’s something most people put at the bottom of the priority list. This means choosing a baked potato over french fries from the drive-thru. Or a grilled chicken boob over fried nuggets.

And, no, there are no “off limit” foods or food groups. (The obvious exception: you have an allergy or medical condition and have been instructed to avoid certain foods from your doctor.) There is no single food group or macronutrient solely responsible for weight gain or fat loss.

Include a good source of protein in all meals. I’m assuming you strength train since you’re on this website (or you plan to start strength training). If you’re not, you should be — there are too many amazing benefits from this doesn’t-demand-much-time activity.

Not only does eating a good source of protein with all meals help you feel satisfied, but it also spares muscle loss when you’re eating in a caloric deficit.

Work in all other foods occasionally, and in moderate amounts. “All other foods” are things that don’t fall into the “real, minimally processed” category, or things simply considered “not super healthy foods.” Foods like pizza, fried chicken, ice cream, or whatever the heck you love that’s calorie-dense and not the healthiest option but tastes dang good.

One eating method will not work for everyone, and this is why your friend or co-worker may achieve great results from a diet, but you don’t. The solution is clear: you must be your own guru. You must find what will work for you.

Consider your past experiences, and your personality, perceptions, and preferences. Then create sustainable habits that form a lifestyle.

The post Why That Diet Didn’t Work for You appeared first on Nia Shanks.

Source https://changingaging.org/disrupting-ageism/pioneer/

Ashton Applewhite stands before a room of dozens of people expecting to hear the same ‘ol spiel. Instead, she poses a question: “What is every person in this room going to become?” When no one offers an answer she continues. “Older. The prospect has an awful lot of us scared stiff.” A renewed focus on […]

The post From Ageism to Age Pride appeared first on ChangingAging.

Source https://changingaging.org/blog/fail-more-to-fall-less/

“Stay young while you can.” “Everything is downhill after 60.” “Don’t get older.” As a physical therapist, specializing in fall prevention, I hear these comments on a daily basis. At first, I was unsure how to best respond. I found myself shaking my head in disagreement or changing the subject to a positive aspect of […]

The post Fall Less By Failing More appeared first on ChangingAging.

Source https://www.clubindustry.com/news/omni-fight-club-aiding-california-wildfire-relief-effort-donation-drive

Through Nov. 18, Omni Fight Club is collecting relief supplies for people affected by the California fires and is working with local groups to deliver and distribute them.